Friday Family Photo

My father's high school graduation photograph for Polo, IL High School was probably taken in a borrowed suit. If it was in the fall he was 16, but I really don't know the time of year in those days that photos were prepared for the yearbook. When people remember my dad, they don't usually comment on his good points--like hard working, honest, loyal son, good looks, etc.--no, it's more likely to be, tough, intimidating or tenacious.

My father never learned to be laid back or keep his opinions to himself until he was maybe 75-80. Like me, (or me like him) he had an opinion on everything, and was quite well read and followed the news. He was a Republican (married to a Democrat), a small businessman, veteran of WWII and the oldest of nine children.

I remember my father's opinions on schools and education. Children, his own or relatives or yours and mine, who had problems in school had one of three problems (or all three): they were 1) lazy, or 2) dumb, or 3) delinquent. With so many siblings, nieces and nephews, cousins, children and grandchildren, most of them well educated and living nearby, he learned eventually to keep his unpopular opinions to himself, or leave the house if education came up for discussion. But if you had asked, that would be the answer. He didn't believe in pathologizing bad behavior or sin, and the only acronyms that would have passed his lips were BS and SOB.

Dad was an observant man and may have learned this in his own family. Although Dad went on to college, his brother 17 months younger didn't finish high school. If family lore can be believed, this kid was a problem from the beginning--definitely "oppositional defiant disorder." He had to be "encouraged" to attend the local country school by my grandfather walking him there with an occasional swat and nudge with the boot. But one of Dad's little sisters was reading the newspaper to her blind mother at age 4, and they weren't quite sure how she learned to read so she started school at that age. The brother grew up to be bigger than my dad with a mean, rebellious streak which kept him alive in many dangerous missions in WWII. There's a place for everyone, and apparently it isn't always school.Source URL: https://maryelizabeth-winstead.blogspot.com/search/label/children
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3622
Would you want this on your grave marker?
RIP (if you can)
Michael A. Dolen
Lawyer, Cleveland Council member
Chosen by the Governor of Ohio,
a Methodist minister,
to make gambling more attractive to
the middle class
Actually, almost no one, rich or poor, famous or humble, puts their profession and "accomplishments" on their tombstone. Pastor John writes in this week's Cornerstone newsletter, "When I listen to families talk about their loved one at the time of death, very rarely do I hear about their great wealth, power, or their achievements; I hear about their character."

Ohio started a state lottery in 1974. Many churches fought it--probably even the Methodists, among whom I think our Governor was a pastor at one time. It will help the children, we were told. (Loud guffaws in the wings). So what has happened? It used to be the only game in town for the poor. They made running numbers illegal, so they could only bet with the state. Then all the states around us said, "Hey, that looks like easy money." Kentucky's got its horse race betting, Michigan and Indiana have lotteries, Pennsylvania has racetrack betting and casinos now. Now the state has run out of poor people to fool, so they are going to try to make it more attractive to the middle-class. Yes, that's a quote from why Dohlen was appointed.

We take the poor's money with one hand, then tax the middle-class so we give back some of it, but not enough or as much as they lost. Makes us feel so self-righteous to be able to help not only the children, but the poor (and increasingly they are each other). State lottery--it's a two-fer. But now we'll have to hit up the middle-class double--first take it through gambling, then tax them through higher costs for just about everything. Plus, we get to raise property taxes and send more money to Washington so they can send part of it back, because we never did solve that silly old education problem. Columbus' graduation rate is about 45% and Cleveland's is worse. Imagine that. It's a home grown axis of evil.

Story from the Columbus Dispatch, March 25, 2007Source URL: https://maryelizabeth-winstead.blogspot.com/search/label/children
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3613
Stretching the Constitution
Daniel Henninger had an op ed about the Bong Hits 4 Jesus case (Morse v. Frederick) coming before the Supreme Court in yesterday's WSJ. He traces the problem of the Supremes inappropriately moving the free speech border to a case in 1969 when during the Vietnam War it ruled that high schoolers could violate school policy and call it "protected speech."

Although the "Bootleggers and Baptists" theory applies primarily to regulation, the concept of two diametrically opposed value systems joining forces for unrelated goals is apparent in this case. Christian groups have filed friend of the court briefs for this pro-drug speech case. Why? So their kids can wear t-shirts proclaiming pro-life and other Christian slogans in school. I don't think the Bloods and the Crips have filed, but they probably could on colors being protected speech. What a can of worms!

What are the unintended consequences of the Supremes throwing local schools overboard, expecting principals to wade to shore in a sea of confusing cases? Rich liberals like Al Gore and Jesse Jackson just sent their kids to private schools (don't know about Jackson's love child), as do conservative Christians, and millions of parents have decided to homeschool their kids rather than have local standards set in Washington.

Story here

Supreme Court, Morse v. Frederick, unintended consequencesSource URL: https://maryelizabeth-winstead.blogspot.com/search/label/children
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3591
Can 83% of Americans be wrong?
Yes. Someone surveyed Americans (don't know the source--I got it second hand from WSJ) and 83% said they wished they had more time with the family.

This is so easy! Confiscate all the i-pods and cell phones, take down/turn off the cable/internet connection. Put the whole family in the car, but don't go anywhere, not even to a movie or fast food restaurant. Find something to talk about.

It may not be quality time, but you'll change your answer on that next survey.Source URL: https://maryelizabeth-winstead.blogspot.com/search/label/children
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3579
Have schools gone off the deep end on being "safe?"
Glenn Beck interviewed a father, Frank Harmeier, last week whose ten year old son Casey pulled a fire alarm cover off in the hall of the school (Texas) on a dare. When the cover was replaced, the alarm went off. It wasn't one that goes off at the police station, or even the principal's office, but is local for that area so a teacher can be summoned to investigate. When the teacher came (he didn't try to run away--he knew he'd done something wrong), he admitted his crime. Then the police were called, he was arrested and taken to the police station and interrogated for four hours before his parents were called. They are charging him with a felony; the parents are calling it child abuse. And as it turned out, the alarm went off because a school staffer pulled it when she tried to replace the cover. For its mistake, the school hasn't apologized for terrorizing a student, and has only asked that the felony charge be reduced to a misdemeanor. The juvenile authorities, according to Casey's father, wanted the parents to go through a family counseling and parent reeducation (North Vietnam comes to mind, doesn't it), the problem is they ARE counselors, she having given up her job to be a stay at home mom. And the father works in that school district. Series in the Houston Chronicle.

Imagine all this fuss and police involvement with illegals flooding across the border of Texas. Seems like some misplaced power struggles, doesn't it. The reporter following this story has discovered that gum chewing will also result in arrests.

Then in Oregon, "Two McMinnville middle school boys are in Yamhill County Juvenile Detention facing sex abuse charges after school officials said they inappropriately touched classmates.

The 12- and 13-year-old boys’ parents said students were part of a group of boys and girls at Patton Middle School who would spank each other’s backsides as part of a handshake or dance." Story here. Again, the children were arrested and the parents weren't called. What is this, the abortion trend in parent notification?

Kind of makes me glad we're going to our 50th class reunions this summer--you young folks in charge of our institutions are going bonkers. I hate to think what my generation would have been charged with. Eleven year old boys actually thought it was great fun to sneak up behind the girls and snap their bra! Now we've got libraries with really smutty stuff and fighting internet filters while insisting it's about about freedom of information, while 10 year olds are going to jail? The world is upside down.Source URL: https://maryelizabeth-winstead.blogspot.com/search/label/children
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3532 Strong willed mother-in-law

Prayer Job Jar I have so many people on my prayer list with really serious, mind numbing problems, I admit I got a bit testy and talked back to the ingrate woman who wrote "Dear Abby" this week about her mother-in-law.

It seems her MIL does her laundry and dishes when she comes over to babysit. She started doing it when the complainer was bedridden and really needed the help, but she just won't stop! Really, what some people call a problem, I can fix in 3 shakes of a lamb's tail. DO THE LAUNDRY AND DISHES BEFORE SHE GETS THERE. Start picking up after yourself so Mama and others won't see your home looking like a cyclone went through as you run off for lunch with your friends, or where ever you're going. If your home looks like a federal disaster zone, don't be surprised when the volunteers show up for cleaning. Or, here's another thought. HIRE SOMEONE TO BABYSIT. Then invite your in-laws over for a non-working time with the kids (she wanted MIL to supervise the kids instead of cleaning up messes).

Now, wasn't that easy?Source URL: https://maryelizabeth-winstead.blogspot.com/search/label/children
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3508 Autism statistics

Many of us over age-50 parents are stunned by the autism statistics we see in the TV PSAs and news stories. Where were all these autistic kids when we were growing up or when our children were in school? Children with learning problems were not hidden away in the 1970s--they were side by side with my children, and I was a volunteer in the classroom. For one thing, there has been a redefinition--now thousands of children that use to be called retarded (or one of the challenged words), or ADD or ADHD, are now being called autistic. It seems that any kind of attention deficit or repetitive behavior has to be pathologized, which then qualifies a child for special classes or teachers or programs. A pediatrician, David Safir, had a letter in the USAToday last week saying that in the 1990s the definition of autism began to include many children with a milder collection of symptoms--now called autism spectrum disorder, and this new umbrella definition has created hysteria and an epidemic of austism.

I checked his letter on-line, and he is being attacked by the true believers, the blame the vaccines crowd. I wonder how loud they'd be yelling if they lived in the days when children were mutilated by small pox eating their flesh, or crippled by polio? And this mommy has the best advice: "My son will never die from Autism, but he could die from childhood diseases if not vaccinated. Or he could die from the flu, as has 4 other children already this season in the state I live, because they did not vaccinate. Stop arguing and start helping our little ones to be accepted and to get the proper therapies they need."Source URL: https://maryelizabeth-winstead.blogspot.com/search/label/children
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Monday Memories--Salt Dough

Are your kids home on winter/bad weather break? In central Ohio schools were closed 3 days due to cold two weeks ago, and then the following week we got snow, then sleet, then more snow, so they closed again, along with some businesses and malls. Well, turn off the TV and computer and make some Salt Dough. I guarantee a good time with lots of built-in memories for their future winters. My mom used to make this for us kids by the bowlful when we were bored and couldn't play outside, and I used it with my kids too. You can add food coloring. Or maybe kids are so high tech these days that they no longer say (in a whiny voice), "Mommy, there's nothing to do!" This recipe is small, but it can be doubled.

Salt Dough

1 c salt
4 c flour
1 1/2 c water
4 T oil

Mix salt and flour. Add water and oil. After making objects or shapes, bake 45 min at 350 degrees. Paint if you wish. But most of the fun is in the sticky, gooey shaping.

I was reminded of this reading through In the kitchen with Krista.

View More Monday Memories Participants
Not many will be doing this meme today, but here are links to those I'll visit to see what's going on: Chelle, Chelle Y., Cozy Reader, Friday's Child, Gracey, Irish Church Lady, Janene, Janene in Ohio, Jen, Katia, Lady Bug, Lazy Daisy, Ma, Mrs. Lifecruiser, Melli, Michelle, Paul, Susan, Viamarie,Source URL: https://maryelizabeth-winstead.blogspot.com/search/label/children
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3447 My very own 12-step program

My girlfriend AZ and I get together on Monday mornings for coffee and she is cleaning out her storage area, returning letters and things, pitching other stuff. We became friends in the late 70s, so she found some of my writings which she returned to me today.

It seems I wrote a 12-step program for myself [I have no memory of this] when I was in the midst of the terrible-teen years. I can't be sure this wasn't copied from someone else. Even in those days I was pretty good about adding a citation to the original. So here it is--with some reordering of priorities and eliminating some wordiness for this viewing.

If you're not familiar with the twelve steps concept it revolves around not trying to change other people or blame them for your situation and releasing it to God (or a higher power if you and God are not on speaking terms). I've always said that raising teens is what led me slowly out of the Democratic Party, and although it was probably 15 years down the road from writing this, I see the roots.

1) The only person I can be responsible for is me. I will think, feel, and act in ways that make me and the people around me feel good.

2) I will give up my image of the perfect parent who always knows the right thing to do, who always fixes up or cleans up after everyone.

3) I can't keep my children out of trouble or from being hurt. I release them to God's care.

4) My children have many needs and emotions. I will respect these needs and emotions.

5) I also have my own needs and emotions, and I expect my children to respect them, too.

6) I will do my part to be a responsible parent.

7) I also expect my children to do their part as members of this household and family.

8) I will not be negative or punishing, knowing that everyone likes praise, approval and acceptance, and I will praise any effort they make to be caring, responsible adults.

9) I will be reasonable in my expectations of my children, but I also accept my right and responsibility to set limits on behavior in my home and in my presence.

10) I will not expect perfection of myself or my children and I will be honest about my imperfections and seek only to change myself.

11) I will resist rescuing my children when they get into trouble of their own making. Because I realize that taking responsibility for another person's problems does not help but weakens the person, I will allow my children to experience the natural consequences of their own judgement or behavior.

12) I will resist allowing my children to be dependent on me. When I allow this I encourage resentment from them and self pity and bitterness from myself because we can't meet each other's expectations.

Looking back I'd say it's not particularly useful to even write down expectations for the way others will treat you. That's obviously an area over which you have no control. Nor would I today say I'm going to act a certain way so others will feel good. That's also something over which I had no control. I can't even imagine my mother writing something like this (my dad, maybe). This list has a very strong "yes, but" flavor, don't you think? It's pretty clear when I wrote this I was grabbing back anything I handed over to God. And notice how I listed what behavior would receive praise? I was really into responsibility, wasn't I? The teen years aren't easy--I wasn't very loveable and neither were they, but I'm happy to report that along about age 25 your kids will return to being the fabulous people you envisioned when they were little. May you live through it and thrive for another day!Source URL: https://maryelizabeth-winstead.blogspot.com/search/label/children
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3435 Does Charity really begin at home?

Two recent issues of Kiplinger's used this phrase to mean teaching children to be charitable, so that's what I'll address, although I always thought it meant giving close to home.

In my experience, demonstrating or teaching charity doesn't necessarily mean the lesson is understood or acted upon. I think it depends on whether the person (the grown up child of charitable parents) is active in a community of faith--a church, synagogue or mosque. Based on what I've observed in our family, a real mixed bag of church membership and attendance, and recent research, generosity and charity are tied closely to faith, not what you learned as a child.

Between us, my husband and I have six siblings, two adult children, and fourteen nieces and nephews. We had six parents (his were divorced and remarried), and I knew four of my grandparents and two great grandparents, and he knew three of his grandparents (his grandfather was widowed quite young). So that's my tiny sample which ranges from 7th to 10th generation American.

I knew my paternal great-grandparents (d. 1949 and 1963), but know little about their finances except that they lived modestly and were generous with their grandchildren. Great-grandma Leanor not only slipped candy to us, but gave my father a downpayment to buy his first house in the late-1930s. My great-grandfather (mother's side) was a very generous donor--he gave money to build the Wichita Church of the Brethren in the early 20th century, but lived in Illinois, and contibuted real estate in Chicago to the church to build a hospital. My husband's maternal grandparents and my maternal grandparents were very strong, active church members, his were Presbyterians and mine Church of the Brethren. They were also generous donors to the church and to various causes, and helped out family members, too.

My husband's parents (both couples) were wonderful people, but neither continued with the Presbyterian tradition, or any church involvement after childhood. If they ever donated to anything, it would have been something like Cancer Society, Lung Association or a buck for someone walking the neighborhood for March of Dimes. They didn't take their children to church, but my husband's grandparents took over. My parents remained active in the Church of the Brethren, and baptized and raised their children in that denomination. I don't know what went on later in their life, but when I was a young adult, I know they were giving about 15% of their income. My father scared us in his mid-80s when he decided to gather up donations and take them in his van (driving alone) to an Indian reservation in the Dakotas. My parents cancelled each others' votes at the polls, but were both very generous with church, community organizations and family members.

My husband and I have tithed our gross income for over 30 years, but we gave very little to anything when we weren't members. I think three of our six siblings are also active in churches and generously contribute--we're all there for worship weekly and participate in various ministries. Then we have two siblings who might be in a church for a baptism, funeral or wedding, but don't attend or give. They are more than generous with immediate family, however. One sib is missing in action, and we haven't seen him in years; it's my thought if he can't make it to a family dinner or answer his phone, he's probably not going to church either.

Moving on down the family tree, our own two children don't attend church and don't contribute to a church, and probably donate very little to any community organization. Of our 14 nieces and nephews I think 4 are active members in a church, and although I've never asked, I'm guessing they all are more generous than the ones who don't have a church home. Two of them (children of the MIA sib) have spiraled downward into low income jobs, out of wedlock babies and government assistance. Their own parents (divorced) had no involvement in church as children or as adults, and when this niece and nephew did attend church, it was with their aunts and uncles, because their grandparents also didn't attend.

Randy Alcorn says ". . . fifteen percent of everything Jesus said related to money and possessions. He spoke about money and possessions more than heaven and hell combined. The only subject Jesus spoke of more often is the Kingdom of God. Why? Because the Scriptures make clear there is a fundamental connection between a person's spiritual life and his attitudes and actions concerning money and possessions."

You can take a child to church, but you can't give him your faith. And charitable behavior stems from the faith. If it has worked out differently in your family, God bless 'em. It won't get anyone into heaven, but it will help some organization's bottom line.Source URL: https://maryelizabeth-winstead.blogspot.com/search/label/children
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3420 Home Alone

Normally, I would post this at Coffee Spills, where yesterday's entry would lead you to a great site for alpaca clothing. However, this blog is my "opinion journal," so today I want to mention here what I overheard there.

I was at my usual spot at Panera's, listening to classical music, enjoying the fire and reading the Wall St. Journal. Two women I see there about once a week sat at the next table, also by the fire, our chairs nearly touching. I hear them talking, then realize one woman is talking quietly on her cell phone to her son, who is still at home waiting to be picked up by the school bus. It's dark in central Ohio at 6:30 a.m., and today is bitterly cold. She's sweetly reminding him to open the front door so the bus driver knows he is in the house, and to be sure the porch light is on. She also reminds him to turn off the TV before he leaves, and then she signs off with something lovey-dovey, and starts to chat with her friend.

I hear her tell her tablemate that she and her kids communicate better by e-mail and IM than they do face to face. Gee, I wonder why?

And I have tears in my eyes thinking about a little boy at home alone, in the dark, waiting for the school bus while Mom enjoys a cinnamon crunch bagel and coffee with a friend. Did he have breakfast? Does he need to review the spelling words? Will the dog get out? Will he "forget" to wear his gloves?Source URL: https://maryelizabeth-winstead.blogspot.com/search/label/children
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15 questions to ask if you want to marry

These questions appeared in the New York Times. Maybe we were too young, but I don't think we asked any of them--we sort of went on faith that the other was a good person--and being a woman I just figured I change what I didn't like. We talked about short term stuff--what was his draft number, should we rent a furnished or unfurnished apartment, which one of us would use the car and which would take the bus. Was there enough money for the first month's rent. However, we married young. If you are 35 or 40, there's a lot of water under the bridge and mountains out of molehills to cross, so you'd better ask some questions. I've rearranged them for my priorities based on over 40 years experience, and added my comments in brackets. All these questions are asked only if you believe you truly love the person, of course.

December 17, 2006 New York Times
Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying

Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education? [Is she/he a committed Christian? Does she/he commune on the golf course or with a congregation and clergy?]

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears? [Does she/he expect a cohabitation probationary period before marriage--a sure route to divorce? If she/he has been unfaithful, will it change?]

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh? [How much debt does she/he have? Is she a shopaholic who needs to spend for mental health? Does he/she gamble? Has she/he been looking to the future or just likes to spend as you go?]

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver? [Does she/he already have children; what kind of parent is she/he; will you be expected to be a parent or just a stand-by babysitter with no say; what are the custody arrangements?]

11) Do we value and respect each other's parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship? [Is he/she in a family business? Do her/his parents live close? Are her/his parents married to each other? Are there siblings?]

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores? [Whose standards will determine "fair," or "clean," or "on time."]

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental? [Does she/he have health insurance? Unpaid medical bills? Preexisting conditions for which you'll be responsible? How much time spent with a shrink?]

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another's ideas and complaints? [Don’t forget the non-verbal communication--sulking, slamming doors, driving like a maniac, flirting, procrastinating, etc.]

10) Do we like and respect each other's friends? [Does she/he even have friends or are you it?]

12) What does my family do that annoys you? [Get over it.]

13) Are there some things that neither are prepared to give up in the marriage? [Does he/she hate your hobbies and leisure activities? What about your pets?]

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move? [Are your job skills and training readily transferable to another geographic area? Mountain guide in Iowa; scuba diver in Nebraska, for instance.]

15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other's commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face? [How many times has she/he been married and what's your limit?]

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom? [Huh? Is this a which way to roll the toilet paper question or a sex question?]Source URL: https://maryelizabeth-winstead.blogspot.com/search/label/children
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3307 Not everything grows old gracefully

When leaving the public library this morning, I walked by the reference/ reserve section for . . . well, children I suppose. But very old children. When I was the librarian in the Veterinary Medicine Library at The Ohio State University, I was horrified by the science fair projects that brought school children to my library. Because school children can't get there on their own, they were usually with their parents and if I was on duty I could warn the parent that the project was not appropriate (if it involved the health and well-being of an animal). At that time, I looked at what was available in the public library so I could make referrals to better sources, but discovered many hadn't caught up with the times in terms of animal welfare.

So I stopped and looked again today. Here's the copyright dates I noticed--1950 [outdated even when I was in school], 1962, 1970, 1974, 1980, 1982, 1984. There were many from the early 1990s. But I was really stunned to see "Science projects with computers," with a 1985 copyright date. These books belong in a history of science teaching collection.

Although the general concepts and plans can remain the same in the revised editions, the bibliographies and web content information needs to be updated--many of these books pre-dated the web--and also this visually sensitive generation needs illustrations that don't look like mom and dad or grandpa when they were kids. I use a very well-heeled public library--it can afford to print color bulletin board displays that reproduce book cover images on deep hue backgrounds that must require gallons of ink. Surely it can spring to update the science fair collection and withdraw or send to storage the out of date materials.
Borrowed from a Manitoba science fair


science fairs
public libraries
children's booksSource URL: https://maryelizabeth-winstead.blogspot.com/search/label/children
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3229 Smoking bans and children

We're sure to see more laws created to protect children from their parents' smoking, both in the home and in automobiles. USAToday carried the story that a number of states already prohibit foster parents from smoking around their charges. But I'm sure it is only a matter of time before it will be considered a form of child abuse to make children breathe cigarette smoke--from your mouth to their lungs. Although I don't think smoking should be illegal, I do believe children need to be protected, both in the womb and in the room.

"Former smoker Bob Mathis, a Democratic state representative in Arkansas, sponsored a law that bars smoking in a car carrying a child young enough to require a car seat. It took effect in July. A violator can be fined $25 but can get out of it with proof of participation in a smoking-cessation program. A similar law took effect in Louisiana in August.

"We have laws on the books in every state of the union against child abuse," Mathis says. "This is a form of child abuse."

At least six states and some counties prohibit foster parents from smoking when foster children are present, says Kathleen Dachille, director of the Legal Resource Center for Tobacco Regulation, Litigation & Advocacy at the University of Maryland School of Law. "There are times when it's appropriate to regulate what people can do in their home," she says. "The state is responsible for that child."

Some courts are ordering parents in custody and visitation disputes not to smoke around their kids."

I think I noted before at this blog that my husband, who has never smoked, coughed like a smoker every morning for several years into adulthood, after living for 18 years in a home where both his parents smoked, as well as all their friends and relatives.

I had lunch with a friend today, and when I turned down a bite of brownie dessert, I compared it to some people and cigarettes. She nodded and said she had quit smoking 15 years ago, and knew if she smoked even one, she would start again, the addiction was that strong. Her husband also quit 15 years ago, but too late and has COPD.Source URL: https://maryelizabeth-winstead.blogspot.com/search/label/children
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